Steps to Have a Successful Confrontation

Learning to confront is a transcendentally important necessity for any individual, as it not only allows one to gain greater strength and self-confidence but also helps to address the challenges that life presents in a faster and more accurate manner.

In fact, upon deep reflection, we can find that most of our problems—whether personal, family-related, or work-related—are nothing more than an invitation to confront proactively. The issue is that we don't always manage to identify it or lack the tools to do it correctly.

The above is based on experiences coaching others, where we have identified that certain processes have been stuck due to "unfinished business" that individuals have not wanted or known how to confront effectively.

As an example, I bring up the case of Ana, who was having issues with her business partner. After thorough inquiry, we discovered that the cause of this challenge shared a similarity with the current situation she was experiencing with her father, whom she hadn't spoken to in 5 years. We focused on that issue, and by applying the proactive confrontation technique, she not only resolved the issue with her father but also “almost magically” the situation with her business partner improved drastically.

We must understand confrontation as an opportunity to grow and align ourselves with our being, or as a tool to move to our next level of personal growth. Confronting proactively will help us overcome negative patterns and improve our interpersonal relationships.

The steps I want to share, apply to the different personality types when it comes to confrontation: the aggressive (those who confront without hesitation and with ease), the passive-aggressive (those who do not confront but make their dissatisfaction known), the assertive (those who decide to confront despite the discomfort), and the passive (those who avoid confrontation). Regardless of your tendency, this guide will be useful.

Step 1: Release the negative emotions that the situation produces. The need to confront arises because there is a situation that evokes some type of negative emotion. This can be anger, sadness, fear, pity, anxiety, guilt, etc. Before taking any action, we must identify and feel the emotion that this situation evokes. The idea is to go into the confrontation free of emotionality; otherwise, emotions will speak for us rather than the other way around. To learn to release emotions, follow this  link

Step 2: Take full responsibility for the situation. This means that, in our mind and heart, we will take 100% responsibility for the situation that requires confrontation, removing any blame from the other person. This way, we will manage to move out of the painful victim position and gain clarity on the situation and the best way to approach it.

An indicator that lets us know if we are fulfilling this step is when new insight is revealed, such as discovering an aspect/quality that we lack or that we need to improve. An example of this would be recognizing that we need to learn to be more tolerant, less critical, more careful, less selfish, more loving, or less controlling, etc.

Step 3: Make an effort to understand the origin or background that led the other person to behave as they did. It's not about justifying the person but understanding their lacks or wounds; no one hurts without having been hurt previously. When we can empathize and understand the other person, we gain clarity and a better perspective.

As an exercise, try visualizing that all the discomfort or pain that this situation causes you, the other person has also felt it deeply; try to feel their pain, fear, and distress. This will help us create empathy and reduce tension.

Step 4: Feel the other feelings. Very related to the previous step, do a short meditation in which you visualize the person or the situation and send energy of love and unity. With this exercise, you are ensuring that your true intention is to have a proactive confrontation, and not to cause more discomfort or conflict. If you feel that you cannot send this kind of energy, it's because you still need to work on the previous steps (release emotions).

Step 5: Choose the right time and place. If you feel prepared to confront because a) you are no longer controlled by your emotions, b) you discovered what you need to change/improve, and c) you are genuinely thinking about the other person and a solution that benefits both parties, then the next step is to make sure that the person is open and willing to listen; otherwise, the confrontation should wait.

Having a sense of opportunity is key to achieving success in confrontation. Remember that what matters when confronting is not just expressing what we feel and facing the consequences, but finding a space where we grow individually and as a team. While we cannot control the outcome, we can control the intention with which we start, and if this is focused on the other, thought from love, involving the heart and not the wound, then the results will always be positive.

Good luck!